Birthdays always make me woefully reflect. I always get a little somber on the day of my birth, I can’t help it. It seems like every birthday I have to recollect on what I was doing on the last birthday, and how much my life has changed since then.
Thankfully, I’ve never had a birthday that I’ve looked back on and said “I’m so regretful of this past year.” I’d have to say, 27 was my most facepalm year, but coming straight out of a divorce and trying to right myself would be a bit tough for anyone. All things considered, I am very thankful for the Lord sustaining me so I didn’t crash and burn like I so desperately wanted to at times.
This past year, 28, I said that I wanted to make every day count. I prayed that life would become different than it was, since I had been given a new start. That being said, I really thought my life would continue as normal. I would keep online dating, binge drinking every weekend, maybe find some dude that treated me right, or not, I mean, what’s the big deal with relationships anyway. I was renting a room, and never had any specific plans of moving, even though the situation was a little bothersome, the city in which I lived was too expensive for me to find an apartment alone on my salary, plus, I had never lived alone before and was a little afraid of being, well, alone.
Within the last 366 days, every single facet of my life changed. It’s funny, how day by day things change little by little, meeting a kind stranger here, a new rental agreement there, but then you look back and you’re living a completely different life. A life you’re wondering, ‘how did i get here?’
This year has brought the biggest changes for me. Changes I thought would never happen. I moved into my own studio apartment. I met my soulmate, and we are planning our wedding for this summer. I changed career paths and got a position in a different field, as well as many other things. Things that had always seemed impossible and out of reach.
I also faced harder and more realistic obstacles, things that weren’t fun, like with the help of my understanding fiance, working, really actually WORKING through the closure of my divorce, instead of just burying it deep inside. There was also the uphill battle of facing the reality of my alcoholism, and working through each day being sober, some days much harder than others.
I always believed that God worked things together for good and I trusted in his promises, that he had a plan and that he would provide. But it’s hard to see His goodness in the middle of the disasters or honestly, when you feel like God has abandoned you, and you’re fine on your own. For a long time I felt like I was strongest staying afloat with my ‘grit your teeth and power through’ attitude, and that with the alcohol and friends I could bury my problems and be fine forever.
The difference between now and then, the REAL difference between last year and this year, is the feeling. The internal peace, resting and knowing that everything is going to be all right, and that I am in the right place, and that I have nothing to feel anxious or guilty about nor have I anything to hide (even from myself.)
Closure is hard. Fighting addiction is hard. Facing every day with reflection and a sober mind is the hardest. And I would never have been able to make it through these 366 days and become this way without the blessing of people and circumstances God put in my life this year.
I still struggle with the day to day, with the anxiety and depression and unknowing what the future holds. But seeing God work in this past year gives me hope for each and every day to come. My heart is so full and I have never been more thankful.
#christian #thankful #sobriety #hope