The Last Letter

I used to think about you every day.

Every single day.

I’d think about what I would do, and what I would say if I saw you. The things I would say to her.

But that was long ago.

Its been two years now, two years since you told me that I wasn’t what you wanted; that you had found someone else.

Two years since divorce papers, sleepless nights surrounded by everything I owned shoved in boxes, and pitied looks from family and friends while I hid under the covers, wondering how my life had absolutely fallen to pieces. This wasn’t the sort of thing that was supposed to happen to someone like me. This wasn’t happy every after. Where had it gone wrong.

I remember the day we met. You were tall, dark, and handsome. Like in the movies. I remember the way you made me feel. Small. Less than; but that was fine- good, even, since you had it all together. If I had known then, the way you would make me feel in the end, betrayed, worthless, would I still have gone on that very first date with you?

Yes.

I spent a lot of time alone, angry, in bad habits after it all was over. For many months. My thoughts were dark.

But in the end, I was forced to look at myself and ask the question, “Who am I really– and how am I going to spend the rest of my life?” 

I had to make a decision. So I challenged myself to make every day different and better and to consciously spend time doing things that I cared about: helping others, supporting charities, and being myself, an introvert that enjoys reading, writing and intellectual discussion.

While doing one of these things, I met a man unlike any other- and right away I knew I was going to marry him, something I said I was never going to do again.

The wedding was in July. It was the perfect day. It was bright, peaceful, with sunflowers, friends, and vows. Real promises, made with someone who intends to keep his word forever. Now I have a new last name, an amazing new family, and my husband and I just bought a house.

Me. Buying a house. What? All things I never ever thought I would be able to do. The things I never thought I would have. Family. Home. Love.

I still think about you sometimes. I did today, that’s why I wrote this letter. It’s autumn- I remember our first date was right around Halloween like this. I borrowed a scarf from my sister, I was so nervous because I didn’t know what to wear. I thought about you on your birthday too. 27. You liked your birthday when we were together- since for two months I would only seem one year older than you, instead of two. And I thought of you in March, on the day that would have been our wedding anniversary. Our third anniversary, then the fourth.

I wonder if you think about me too. Perhaps when the little things come up, like playing our favorite online games, or driving past a place where we used to go together.

I used to look for you on Facebook. I did the other day. I saw your profile picture, and see you’re with the same girl still. You’re smiling. And it made me smile.

I’m not mad anymore. I’m not jealous. I hope you’re happy, because for the first time in my life, I really am. I’m happy with my life. I’m proud of who I am. I’m proud of my life, my family, and the person I’m becoming. And I never would have gotten to where I am today without you.

I’m not ashamed of my story. Of being divorced and remarried before 30. Maybe my story will help someone else. Everything happens for a reason.

Thank you for everything. Truly. I hope you’re doing well, and please take care of yourself.

Sincerely,

Hannah Eileen

#divorce #writing #thoughts

Published by Hannah Eileen

Jesus. Cats. Podcasts. An introvert full of strange thoughts and musings.

4 thoughts on “The Last Letter

  1. Dear Hannah,

    Well done, a brave piece. I too have written about my recovery from divorce and it is heartwarming to know that you have found happiness and live again. Congratulations on your new relationship, and new life direction. Virtual hug from across the ocean and the 1.5 m social distancing of course! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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