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A journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step.

Lao Tzu

Hello new friends. This blog is going to be filled up with my random thoughts and musings. Words about closure, mental health, anxiety, spiritual journeys, and this thing called life.

I’ll also talk about other strange topics, like monsters, true crime, lore, and the paranormal. I’m an introvert that thinks a lot but talks little. Stick around and let’s mull over the questions of the universe, love, life and our own minds together. #mentalhealth #thoughts

The End Of Part One

I saw the Lamb break open the first of the seven locks. I heard one of the four living beings cry out like the sound of thunder, “Come and see!”

Revelation 6:1 – The Holy Bible

I’ve been having dreams about the end of the world recently. It’s been nursing a bit of an obsession in the Bible’s book of Revelation.

I have a theology degree. I studied it in depth. Still I feel like I have no understanding of it at all.

Artist’s rendering of the four horsemen

The four living creatures. The four horsemen. The seven seals. The seven bowls. The beast. Appolyon, keeper of the abyss. I wish I understood. For some reason, it’s literally been keeping me up at night lately. If you look up pictures of the aforementioned things online, you find terrifying things. Below is an artist’s rendering of Abbadon (or Appolyon, in Greek) the destroyer, mentioned in Revelation 9:11, simply as being the angel king over the bottomless pit.

Artist’s rendering of Abbadon the destroyer

All the things we draw, paint, write or reason for Revelation are based on the source material that we have- so lots of them look like scary video game characters. But what else do we really have to draw from? What will the creatures actually be- and what does all the prophesy really represent?

Thinking about Revelation just gives me that bit of churning in the gut and feeling of being unsure about the future. But then, I guess we never know the future, do we. It would be exciting to actually, finally be on the forefront at the end of days. After all- Revelation is just the beginning.

And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!…Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true…It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End…All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.”

Revelation 21:5-7- The Holy Bible

What about you? Have you read the book of Revelation? Do you ever think about the world ending?

#thebible #christianity #religion #revelation #sermon #thoughts

What’s Your Favorite Wedding Comedy?

Planning a wedding has me in the mood for wedding films. But not gushy romance movies like The Wedding Planner and Runaway Bride, no, hilarious, irreverant comedies that make me snort.

The Wedding Ringer with Kevin Hart has been my favorite so far and has gotten me in the festive wedding mood. What’s your favorite wedding movie? I need some recommendations!

#movies #comedy #television #wedding

Maybe Writer's Block Isn't All Bad After All.

Before my divorce a few years ago, I would write. Pages and pages, hundreds of thousands of words. It was easy, it flowed out of my fingertips. I loved writing. It was easy for me, like a form of journaling, without the lamenting and monotony.

All the plots I wrote had very similar themes. They were based around a strong, self assured female character and the adventures she had. She was smart, skilled, and fought through many hard times. She always met a heroic male, who accompany her on her journey, who complimented her and helped her fight the main villain at the end of the book. Together they were triumphant, and lived happily ever after. The heroine was always based on myself, of course. Or rather, the person I wished I could be, in a relationship I wished I could have- living life having adventures and facing challenges with the one I loved.

I’ll save you the drama of explaining my young marriage to you. My husband was a narcissist and very emotionally vacant. After two years of marriage he left me for someone else- which was devastating, but has made me a completely different person. Since that event, I have grown into a strong, self-assured woman, and am able to make hard choices and move forward in life.

Since meeting my now-fiance, I haven’t been able to write plot like I used to. I’ll open my laptop and lay my fingers across the keys, staring at the blank screen. On one hand it’s infuriating, but on the other hand, it’s liberating.

For so many years I wrote stories about an independent woman who knew what she wanted, had her own voice and could do hard things. I wrote about her meeting a wonderful, loving man whom would help her fight against the injustice in the world.

I guess navigating the icy, snowy Santiam pass isn’t precisely the same as a a climax-worthy villain. But maybe I can’t write like I used to because in theory, there’s nothing to say. For me, writing was simply projecting exactly what I needed onto pages where at least someone could listen. Now, my future has aligned with exactly what I have wanted so much, I have nothing to write about.

I guess for now, writer’s block isn’t all bad.

#writing #writersblock #divorce #relationships

Hard Transitions

This is my happy place. Sitting in my apartment with a huge cup of tea and my two sleepy cats, listening to the new podcast episode of Timesuck by Dan Cummins. It’s quiet and cozy, and right now I can pretend like there’s nothing outside in the world to bother me.

I’m about to go through several big transitions in my life all at once. In a few weeks I’ll be starting a coordinator position in an unfamiliar field. In July I’m getting married. We’re also moving, my fiance wants to buy a house more than anything.

All I can think is ‘I’m not ready.’ I can’t do this. Maybe somewhere along the lines I made a mistake and now I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.

What if I fail.

I signed up for all these challenges, but now I just want to crawl under the covers and go back to my easy, predictable life.

Life is about change. Transitioning. Moving forward. Making connections, investing in others, and experiencing growth.

I know that, of course. If we always stay in one place we’re not exercising our true potential and challenging ourselves.

But right now, I’m not sure I have enough faith for myself. So I’ll just have to take it one day, and one moment, and one prayer at a time.

“If we take a step despite feeling uncomfortable, afraid, or inadequate, our comfort zones expand. We grow in strength and skill. What we consider normal for us changes, sometimes radically.” Alex Harris

#mentalhealth #life #quotes #dailyliving

Collections

I obsessively collect two things. Books, like most people who like reading and writing, and boxes. They have to be boxes with hinges, like music boxes, jewelry boxes, chests that open and close. There is something about them. If they’re old, mysterious, decorated, I must have them all.

Collections are a funny thing. I always wonder what makes people collect so much of a certain thing. My mom collects carousel horses and bird feeders. My grandma collected those decorative plates that no one was allowed to eat off of.

I am sure there is some psychological reason that makes people collect things- like little crows collecting the shiny things and taking them back to our nests. I’ve never known what it is. For now I’ll credit it to the uniqueness of the human mind.

What do you collect? Do you know why people collect things?

#collection #thoughts #mentalhealth #dailyliving

Your Most Amazing Self

I have it written up on my whiteboard at work beside my desk and I see it every day, as a question and a reminder. It’s the phrase “Are you being your MOST AMAZING self today?”

I don’t feel like my most amazing self today.

I didn’t feel like my most amazing self yesterday either. Yesterday I stayed in bed all day. Literally, all day, eating Goldfish crackers out of the container while I stared at my computer screen, diving into my own made up works of fiction.

Today work is monotonous. I have a bit of a headache, and the future is big and wide and sneaking up, giving me the anxious shakes if I think too long and hard about it.

I don’t feel like my most amazing self often. But maybe today, I’m the most amazing that I can be. And tomorrow, I’ll be as amazing as I can be then.

Life can be rough sometimes. But as long as we continue to be the most amazing we can be at that very moment…well, I think that’s amazing in itself.

Let’s work today to be our most amazing self. And tomorrow, to be just a bit more amazing-er.

#mentalhealth #thoughts #anxiety #selfhelp

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